If I'm really honest with you, I have to admit that the last year has been the hardest of my life. It was also the most rewarding, and the happiest, if that makes any sense. Lets just say, it was full of contrasting emotions. I've never felt so content in my decisions, or so happy in my relationships, but also, I've never had to deal with so much change and the challenges that come with it.
Last summer, I made a decision that changed every aspect of my life as I knew it. I briefly mentioned it on the blog, and I won't go into further detail, but I broke up with my then boyfriend of many years, to be with my then best friend, who now is my husband. Choosing between the two most important men in my life seemed impossible at the time. It was like on of those movies you see, only nothing is ever that romantic and simple in real life. Life is complicated and not everything we do can be the right thing to do. Sometimes we end up in situations where there is no one right way to go. Either way, you end up hurting someone, or you end up hurting yourself in some way.
Although I was certain of my decision in my heart, giving up my relationship also meant losing a lot of stability in my life and some very dear people. I turned my life upside down. Everything I thought I knew, everything I had believed to be my life was gone. I didn't know if I was truly ready for this much change, but I had no other choice than to jump right in.
Now, being on the other side, a happy newlywed, I can sincerely say that I made it. And the grass is so much greener on the other side. Although it's been incredibly hard at times, I've never regretted my decision, and I've never given up on my dream future.
This year has taught me so much about patience, respecting other's feeling, letting go of negativity and coping with my own difficult life choices. Here are my two cents on coping with a life-altering decision:
1.
Making a life-altering decision is one thing, but living with the consequences is another story. And, while the decision-making process seems the most daunting step at first, the long run is still ahead. Knowing the possible implications will not only help you make the decision, it will also help you deal with the aftermath. Although I thought about life after the decision, I don't think I was fully prepared for what was going to happen. Not only the impact of others, but also the way I treated myself at times truly surprised me. I learned that I am my worst critic. But, I also learned to be more gentle on myself, and not care so much what other people think.
2.
Having good people to lean on is the single most important thing. When things are great, we may not even realize how much we need our people. For me, my (now) husband, my best friends, and my family have been the best support group I could ever find. They listened to my crying, and my wining, and dealt with my sadness and confusion. Although they worried, they never judged. Even if they didn't understand, they supported me.
3. Which brings me to my next point.
Talk about it. I know it's a cliche, but it's a cliche for a reason. Talking constructively about your thoughts and feeling helps. Seriously. Even if it's hard, sometimes you just need to get it all out. Trust me, I'm a psychologist (it's funny cause it's true). Some things are very hard to talk about - there's a lot of guilt, and shame, and confusion. But, bottling it all inside is not going to help at all.
4.
Dreaming is the fuel for the future. I dreamed a lot - of better days, of new goals, new horizons, a better, more fulfilling life. Some days, that was what kept me going. All through our first few months of dating, me and Rein would stay up for hours at night dreaming about our future together. And those dreams have fueled our lives. One of our dreams was to move to Cologne, and we're actually doing it! Dreams have power if you give it to them,
remember?
5.
Feel what you're feeling. Change means a lot lot of stress, and even if you know it's in the right direction, it won't be all rainbows and sunshine. We need to give ourselves permission to feel whatever we're feeling, without feeling guilty about it. Don't pressure yourself to be OK when you're just not there yet. Even though my decision created a new and better life for me in the end, the transition phase was the hardest time of my life. Sometimes it was hard to let myself be sad. You chose this, so you don't get to be sad, right? The thing is, even though you chose this path, doesn't mean it has to be easy for you. You're allowed to struggle. It's normal.
6.
Accept whatever is coming. This in one of the hardest things to do. I know. But, it's also the only thing you can do. Accept, that there was always going to be a totally shitty time (to quote one of my
favorite movies). Accept, that there will be people who don't want you in their lives anymore. Accept that there will be people who will never understand. Accept, that some people will judge. These are things that you don't have control over. So, just accept them and move on.
7.
It's a process. Process the change. Feel it. Talk about it. Learn from it. Try to understand it. Processing is what makes time heal all wounds. It's not time that heals, but the process of going through it.
This post has been on my mind for a very long time, and I've taken time over the last couple of weeks to write it. It hasn't been easy, but I felt I needed to get this out there for those who might be going through something similar. It's one of those things that we don't talk about on blogs. We fear we're going to be judged or misunderstood. Sometimes I felt so alone because I didn't know anyone who had gone through what I was going through. So, I hope this helps somebody somewhere to cope with their life-altering decisions.
Thanks for letting me share!
xo. Hanna
